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Security Issues

Greetings, shoppers!  Here I am, blogging at you live from Colmart, where I have been given a rare half day off the air while security try to identify the source of a shrinkage crisis, meaning a group of swaggering primates who keep two-way radios holstered like pistols in their pants have commandeered my studio (well, closet) for their complex sting operation.  At least it’s keeping Coll, head of security and the Columbo of Colmart, busy and out of my face.

For those who don’t know, Colmart is the major supermarket in my neck of the woods.  It’s risen to the top of the Food Chain food chain by rebranding itself from a massive conglomerate to just another family corner shop – except, y’know, bigger.  Colmart’s employees are one big, happy family – kind of like the Mafia, but without the job security, and worse pension prospects.  My job as a Greeter is to make tannoy announcements aimed at disguising the relentless dreariness of the shopping experience behind a manic enthusiasm for mundanity.

This means I spend my day sitting in a five foot square annex to the security office, thinking of friendly and personal ways to tell customers that buying an extra pack of bog roll will significantly enhance their lives, and waiting for lunchtime or death, preferably death as there’s less chance of being collared by Coll at the exit.  I don’t know what ingenious little quasi-legal scheme of hidden cameras and planted RFIDs he’s concocted to take down the international shop-lifters’ conspiracy this time, but I know he’ll want to tell me all about it before I get through the door.


About Elaine

To those who are reading because they know me: Hey Macaronies, pull up a carton and block the aisles awhile – you are welcome here. To those who don’t know me: you know me. You hear my voice every week as you wheel your brats down the aisles, overloading your trollies with overpriced E-numbers, underpriced cotton panties and the tattered shards of my dreams, you shuffling, undead scum of the Earth. Just kidding. Greetings valued customers. My name’s Elaine, and I’ll be pointing you in the direction of the magnificent deals and very special offers available on this blog. If there’s any way I can enhance your reading experience today, please leave a snotty comment and I’ll do my best to feign interest.

7 responses to “Security Issues

  1. You’re so funny, Elaine! XX!!Hugs!!XX

  2. Jack

    I’m so glad I’m always gonna be self-employed.

  3. Mei

    You need a new job!

  4. Ash

    I’m all for work-related rants, but I’d exercise a little caution in what you say publicly about your employers.

    • Elaine

      Since this blog doesn’t have my full name anywhere about it I doubt it’ll fall within my immediate boss’s radar – though I wouldn’t put it past Coll to turn cyber-stalker and track me down. If it comes to it, though, I reckon I got more on him than he does on me. I don’t see this little blog coming to the attention of the Colmart bigwigs – but just in case, you’ll note that some names have been misspelt to protect the indolent.

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