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Pushing Polenta

Yeah, yeah – I am still writing this thing, though I’ve mostly been spending my online time chatting with my friend Mei who’s stranded in Beijing for the holidays with no word about her family.  That’s some scary shit happening out there – whether it’s Bird Flu or not, who knows, but there’s some kind of epidemic going down and whole provinces are being cut off.  The stories trickling out through blogs and independent newsnets are pretty horrific.  If you’ve got a minute and an ounce of human compassion, go make a donation.  If not – make one anyway, you miserable bastard.

I, meanwhile, continue to be a cheery little member of the dysfunctional Colmart family. Today, I found a note on my desk: “Remember to push the fucking Polenta – we overstocked again. Jezza.”  Polenta is the bane of my life.  It has the flavour and consistency of soggy sand, it’s overpriced, it doesn’t even look appetising, and I had to spend all day enthusing about it every hour, on the hour, because somebody in marketing decided it’s trendy and they won’t stop ordering the stuff in even though no fucker buys it.  At least I followed the golden rule of getting the price reduction in three times each announcement, even if one was to say it made a 50% saving on standard wall-filler, and another suggesting shoppers donate the saving to the Asian Flu appeal.   I knew I’d catch shit for it, but what do you do with material like that?

Jezza wasn’t impressed.  “What do you think this is, Comic Relief?” he wheezed at me when he’d dragged himself up the stairs and through the security room.  “Tell them what the offers are, point them to the premium goods, manage the crowds when the checkouts are closing, but for fuck’s sake stop entertaining them!  This is the last fucking time, Elaine – you can do the comedy circuit when you’re fucking fired!”  Jezza loves to say “fuck”, he thinks it makes him one of us.

So, not my best day, and it means my witty banter will be keeping a low profile at work for the next couple of weeks.  No fun to be had here, shoppers – come back in the sales.

And don’t forget to make that donation.  I got my eye on you, mate.


About Elaine

To those who are reading because they know me: Hey Macaronies, pull up a carton and block the aisles awhile – you are welcome here. To those who don’t know me: you know me. You hear my voice every week as you wheel your brats down the aisles, overloading your trollies with overpriced E-numbers, underpriced cotton panties and the tattered shards of my dreams, you shuffling, undead scum of the Earth. Just kidding. Greetings valued customers. My name’s Elaine, and I’ll be pointing you in the direction of the magnificent deals and very special offers available on this blog. If there’s any way I can enhance your reading experience today, please leave a snotty comment and I’ll do my best to feign interest.

5 responses to “Pushing Polenta

  1. Ash

    I’m a bit concerned about this tendency to dub the phenomenon “Asian Flu” – it gives ideas to the kind of people who don’t have many ideas and easily revert to the one about immigration being the source of all their problems.

    • Elaine

      Sorry Ash – you’re right, and I don’t like it either, but unfortunately that’s what the appeal’s called here. I guess they thought “Avian Flu Relief” sounded like a medicine for sick birds.

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